The Emperor's New Clothes

No More Blog

2006-06-19T21:32:00.000+01:00

Sadly this blog has run its course! in true blog fashion i'll give 5 reasons why;

1) The days of having NOTHING to do at work are a but a distant memory.
2) I've run out of ideas of things to write about.
3) The blog no longer infuriates Marc 'Blockhead' Oddy and thus he no longer writes nasty comments
4) Don't think anyone read it anyway other than Marcelo
5) Can't be arsed anymore

I can't get enough.....I'm hooked

2006-05-19T16:09:00.000+01:00

Petulance in Paris proves Wenger is still world's worst loser
http://sport.independent.co.uk/football/comment/article541550.ece
'Barcelona did what they had to with skill and perseverance and in the end they were entirely worthy champions of Europe.'

'Eboué might also easily have been awarded a yellow card for his shameless dive for the free-kick which allowed Thierry Henry to send a pinpoint cross on to the head of Sol Campbell for Arsenal's improbably defiant goal in the 38th minute.

If the referee, Terje Hauge, had had the vision and the nerve to react to the kind of cheating that Wenger so many times attributes to opponents - always a long shot after the official's reflex decision to send off Jens Lehmann rather than allowing a perfectly worked Barcelona goal - Eboué would have been collecting his second yellow card and Arsenal would have been down to nine men against the finest creative force in world club football.'

Counting Your Chickens Before They Hatch

2006-05-19T15:54:00.000+01:00

http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/index.php?menuID=2&subID=543

'At the Arsenal ground - where few were at work on Thursday - decorations stayed in boxes and three open-top buses (paid for by a sponsor) were sent back to the hire company. At Islington Town Hall, intended as the high point of the procession, a canopy and scaffolding were quickly deconstructed and railing boards removed, stewards sent home and catering cancelled for an intended civic reception for the players (after a balcony appearance with the Cup).'

'Hundreds of businesses could finally cast aside the six-page letter of parade schedule posted to them by the council's Chief Executive, who had not mentioned in it that no London club has won the European Championship, ever.'

Arrogant Bastards with ideas well above their station I say!

http://football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,,1778578,00.html
'the neutral supporter will also be prepared to argue, should Arsenal persist in complaining, that not only did Eboué take a dive but Samuel Eto'o was not offside when he took the flick from Henrik Larsson to equalise.'

http://football.guardian.co.uk/rumourmill/index/0,,1777628,00.html
As none of this morning's rumours involve Champions League runners-up Arsenal, the Mill won't have the chance to laugh at the teary-eyed supporters meandering through London's airports this morning, their deflated hearts and inflated guts still wrapped in Highbury redcurrant. It won't even have the chance to scoff at Arsenal's suggestions that they were robbed by a referee who chalked off a perfectly good Barcelona goal and then awarded them a free-kick for Emmanuel Eboué's bruising encounter with fresh air. And it certainly won't get the chance to suggest that Will-He-Won't-Henry should look at his own performance before getting all Mourinho about the officials.

Champions League Final

2006-05-19T15:37:00.000+01:00

ARSENAL F.C.
END OF SEASON DINNER DANCE

Starter
Egg on Face
Seasoned Hash
Frogs legs (past their best)
Spanish Surprise (well beaten)

Main course
Humble Pie
Chump Chops
French (has) Beans
Manager's Beef (not rare)
Catch of the Day - big lemon Sol (gutted)
NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.

Dessert
Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)
Fruitless Tarts
Raspberry Fools
Hard Cheese

Drinks
Bitter
Little Spirit
French Whine
Cabernet Empty 2006
Champagne - sorry none ordered
STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.

Guest speaker:
Sir Alex Ferguson - "What it's like to win the European Cup"

Please note that the club’s European Tour for the season 2006-07 is not guaranteed.

Puerile sense of humour

2006-05-06T15:53:00.000+01:00

Once I was reading some work circular that said the amount of food used per year in the canteen weighs the same as Big Ben's bell. I started laughing uncontrollably and even had to phone a friend to share the amusement with him. As a token of his appreciation he sent me the above photo.

So I was extremely pleased to discover the rude places website which has provided me with plenty of cheap laughs. My favourites are 'Wankers Corner' 'Little Dix Village' 'Gayville' and 'Brown Willy'

Brings a Tear to the Eye

2006-04-07T09:56:00.000+01:00

What is a Blade my housemate asked?
Is it a hero from days that are past?
No, I replied, a Blade’s what I am
A football supporter, a true die hard fan.
The team is United, the ground Bramall Lane
The original United, no-one else has that claim.
1889 is the year that the Blades were born,
A new era in football, a new professional dawn.
We won the league title in a bygone day
Four FA cups, the lads could certainly play.
Since then years of heart ache and disastrous feats,
Of just missed promotions and semi-final defeats.
But whatever happens, regardless of the score,
We’ll always support them, always hungry for more.
So don’t expect trophies, promotions or wins,
Just a pint in the Sportsman before the game begins.
Then down to the Lane and a pie at half time
Our hopes raised then dashed, it‘s really a crime.
But you’ll always come back to the beautiful Lane,
Hoping deep down that we’ll triumph again.
If you believe in your heart that your faith will not fade,
Then from now and forever dear, you’ll be a Blade.

Author Unknown (I remember thinking Arthur Unknown was a very clever man in primary school as he wrote over half the hymns in the hymn book).

Highly Amusing

2006-04-06T10:24:00.000+01:00

London Life

2006-03-31T12:21:00.000+01:00

Compulsory reading for Brazilians whose opinions on England and the English in general are drawn solely from London. There is some quality London and Londoner slating going on in this forum.

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/travelog/2006/03/london_isnt_calling.html

Match Report Courtesy of Peanut

2006-03-30T11:46:00.000+01:00

Grudge Match the Langdale Road house from Academic year 1998-1999 vs the Exiles who humiliated the Langdalers in late 1999 in a Liverpool park, Darren Tan and yours truly losing count of how many we scored.

Match Report Courtesy of never ending student (currently journalism) Ben Mcpartland aka Peanut Head

Final Score Langdale 20 Exiles 19

Players Ratings

EXILES
Potts 7/10 Tireless amounts of hard graft put in. He did all his own work plus that of Bez and Tan. Started bleeding internally when he got near our goal though. His slow conversion from rugby to football is a long process but one that is steadily reaping benefits.

Bez 5/10> He's fleshed out since the days when he was just a pair of shoulders. Tied by a chain to our goal, just long enough for him to skirt around the edge, picking up lost balls. Made to look good with a couple of goals by McPartland, but neverthe less he took them well.

Hanson 5/10> Let his team down badly. The award for the most deterioted player since
Carnatic Green goes to Hanson, just pipping McPartland. Where has all the aggression gone. Has he finally accepted that he won't make the England squad? Some glimpses of the old Al, but not enough to drag his team up to the level of Langdale.

Tan 4/10 Couldn't get a score of more than 5 anyway as he missed half the game. Spent more time laid prone on the floor after slipping over and then claiming injury. Did he wax his grips before the game? Lost a yard of pace since university and since he only had a yard and half of pace to begin with, you could tell.

O'Connor 6/10 Ran round like a ball of flammable testosterone gas. Combining petchulant kicks and shoulder barges with some neat passes. Still runs with the ball and turns like he has a cactus up his bottom.

LANGDALERS
McPartland 4/10 The pressure of organising the game and gettin the players there on time took its toll on him. Passes went astray, tackles were missed, but still showed he has the passion for a fight with needled exchanges with O'Connor.Played his part in many langdale goals by staying well out of the way.

Jackson 7/10 He was as hooked on the white line of the opposition box as much as he was all those years ago. This reformed drug addict played some neat stuff and scored the winning goal. Runs like a stick insect on hot coals.

Clinton 6/10 Hard to decipher Clinton's performance. Some good stuff, some ridiculous stuff. Greedier with the ball than he makes out to be. Helped slow the game down when he kicked the ball on to the motorway.

O'Malley 6/10 Some games are played over two legs, with John that's impossible. His Left leg still possesses vast array of skills, as long as it is wound up sufficiently before the game starts, and just before whenever O' Malley gets the ball. Right leg however, not even good enough for standing on. Middle Leg? Offers support to his left leg when his right leg goes missing.

LYALL 8/10Most improved player since University, infact along with Pottsy Lyall was the only other player to actually improve at all over time. Lyall, another convert from egg chasing to football was everywhere, breaking up attacks and starting his own. If only Krowt, Jim's old friend and competitor was there to see it. Jim's turn around from University was> capped with the presence of an Aussie beauty hanging off his arm. Gemma and the chocolate box, just about forgotten about.
Man ofthe match: Lyall, Well done lad

Scraping the Barrel

2006-03-17T14:44:00.000Z

Can't think of anything to write these days so i'll plaguerise Viz Top Tips, a lot of people might have already seen these though they are always good for a laugh, my favourites are in bold!

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f-ing thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p1ssed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' c0nd0ms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create thee ffect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p1ssing in the sink.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a Haulpak or similar outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the Haulpak unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

House/Housemate Hunting

2006-02-20T14:04:00.000Z

A guide to houseshare renting/letting

I have a room to rent (400/mth in Morden all bills included if your interested) It is a pain in the arse doing this, it demands a lot of attention as I don't want to share a house with someone like 'the Bomb' again. I do find room wanted or room to let adverts quite amusing and written in a certain code. I believe I have now cracked this code.

Housemates that like their privacy

-Translation Stay away! Miserable unfriendly bastards, possibly compulsive masterbators as well!
Conclusion - Certainly not like that in my house!! where I used to be welcomed every day in my room by Leo playing playstation and William sat on the computer, discovering amusing new websites.

Prefer to live with females

Translation- Will take offence to my persistent habit of weeing with the bathroom door wide open, and the male necessity to rearrange themselves in the crotch area. Might not like football watching, playstation playing or the fact that we get (free) Fantasy channel, Adult channel and Playboy channel transmitted into the living room
Conclusion - Steer well clear! to much old school Latino machismo in my house

Cool Aussie House/flatmate/chick/guy

Translation - All Australians THINK they were born cool, why? I don't know! bit like Scousers that all think they were born comedy geniuses or Geordies that think everyone loves them. 'Cool' probably means that they dress for shit rain or shine, talk with irritating intonation? that sounds? like they are continually?? asking a question? On a Sunday after playing some strange gay sports in the park go binge drink snakebite, whilst listening to crap Dawson Rock, and bringing joy to some desperate English ming a ding ding who think they've copped off with a 'cool' Aussie.
Conclusion - One man's cool is another man's freedom fighter/terrorist or something like that

Friendly House

Translation - They have no friends other than their housemates, good if you also have no friends!
Conclusion - I like to think I have friends or at least some people who tolerate me to a certain extent.

Professional household/housemate

Translation - this is a very frequent specification! though what is a professional?? I presume it suggests a) you have been to university b) you have a profession c) you think you are a bit good d) you don't want anyone uneducated and common in your house.

Conclusion
As far as i'm concerned you are not a professional if; a) you work for free in the charity/creative arts/media sector, don't care how challenging your job is you earn bus fare and dinner money, enough said. b) you work for a prestigious big name firm yet all you do is photocopy and hand out the post c) Selling advertising space does not make you a media or advertising professional, it makes you a telesales employee, don't care how much you earn, its a few rungs up the food chain from that half-wit that phones me up saying 'Mr OwCona wuld ya lowke som nu windas'.

Open Minded House/Housemate

Translation - The prospective housemate or some people in the house are a little unsure about their sexuality
Conclusion - Hopefully it is the girl/s.........and they are good looking!

Laid-Back

Translation - Lazy!! will not clean house or wash dishes
Conclusion - Tolerable as we have dishwasher and cleaning lady!
>

Bond Villains and the Eighties Men

2006-02-06T16:22:00.000Z

After a recent skiing trip in Wengen, Switzerland I observed the following;

1) Middle Aged and older Northern Europeans (Swiss, German, Dutch, Belgian) look and sound remarkably like the villain's from James Bond films. So much so that I was concerned that there might be some conference going on to hatch some future evil plans. Unfortunately I did not have access to a 007 DvD collection to give me some ideas how to put a stop to their dastardly mega-lo-maniac plans. Even more unfortunate was that there was a distinct lack of Bond Girl equivalents around the place.

2) The offspring of these Bond Villains look remarkably like rich-kid Americans from 1980s films, like the rich kid Miles from The Goonies whose dad is going to buy Goon island and gets terrorised by the subterranean Goonies whilst he is sat on the throne at the country club, the 'preppy' guy from Animal House whose bird spanks his monkey with rubber gloves on, or even Johnny from the Karate Kid.

3) Not everyone uses 'please', 'thank you', 'sorry' and 'excuse me' as much as the British. Indeed it seems that in some countries when you bump into someone the custom is to then look them up and down, perhaps this is one of the reasons behind Euro-scepticism in contemporary British society.

4) If you are due on your bus at 12.15 and arrive at 12.12 in Britain you are early! In Switzerland the silly cheese-munching, money laundering, yodelling, mountain dwelling moustached bus driver points at his watch and curses you in German..........Bell End.

What is wrong with Sex and the City

2006-01-22T11:15:00.000Z

Sex and the City is wrong! I will concede that it is mildly amusing however it is not the actual television show per se that I have a grievance with. What really rattles my cage is the following it has, the histerical almost biblical devotion that members of the opposite sex worldwide have for it whether in Germany, Brazil or Scunthorpe.

The S&C fan base, whom I presume to be 90 per cent of all females often say 'It is so true to life' or 'it is so our reality'..........How is this so? none of the people I hear saying this have ever been to New York, and usually they are a good 10 years younger than those four over the hill slappers that make up the show.

It is FICTION, none of the four ever seem to do any work yet lead lives of luxury and money never seems to be an issue as they prance around in their Prada and Gucci bollocks, so 'true to life' my arse.

I think S&C is detrimental to Gender Relations indeed it pours fuel on the flames of the ancient battle of the sexes, primarily because the four smart ar*se characters represent poor role models. The Old Testament states 'though shalt not worship false idols'.
Here is a countdown of the four in reverse order of shitheadedness;

4) At number four we have Charlotte, Admittedly this is the best looking of the four, yet at the same time the geekiest. Can't really find much to complain about her as such she comes in last place in the annoyingness countdown. So much for S&C inspiring an independent emancipated woman, meek Charlotte gets married a virgin to Mr floppy cock..............nice one Charlie not much sex in the city with that choice of bloke.
Conclusion: Boring Geek (best looking of the four though)

3) Samantha is at it every week with some bloke usually about 20 years younger than her, perhaps she should grow old a bit more gracefully. Her presence is actually quite welcome in the show as it guarantees a little bit of smut on every episode. Samantha is hardly a good role model, her equivalent in the real world lets say in the context of Rotherham, South Yorkshire would be the old slapper up the road who the adolescent lads go visit once they are bored of kicking the football. I can imagine Carry's commentary; (though it would be Cazza her colleague from the pie factory) 'Meanwhile across town Sam was getting triple headered for the first time (this week) by Lee, Reece and Darren who were reinacting scenes they saw when they raided Darren's dad's porn stash that previous night'
Conclusion: Old Slapper

2) Carrie, I Can't find anything in particular to demonise her for apart from the fact that she is obviously a gold digger. The final episode actually finished with her settling down with her on off boyfriend, Big (as in wallet not willy). In the words of Mrs Merton 'what originally attracted you to your MILLIONAIRE boyfriend?'. This was after a stint with a Russian millionaire in Paris where little miss sophisticated couldn't fit in, not very wordly are we Cazza!!. She comes in at number two as it is her annoying narration that goes on throughout each episode as she writes stupid irrelevant bollocks in her laptop that has distorted the expectations and rationality of women worldwide.
Conclusion: Goldigging shit stirrer

Number one Shithead from S&C is Miranda.
Miranda is admired by some for her sharp cutting wit. Personally I think she is an obnoxious minger. I imagine she is the type that gets chatted up given the way that certain silly boys think that they will take the easy option i.e. 'she isn't anything special she will be greatful for my attention'. However Miranda is the type that takes more joy from putting people than getting some. Any poor lad who thought he would take the easy option with minger Miranda is in for a shock, sarchasm and rejection would be the order of the day. You should have gone for Samantha mate, Miranda hardly even put out during her honeymoon as I remember. Conslusion: Obnoxious Minger

Disclaimer: I rarely if ever watch Sex and the City though its pretty hard not to pick up a few odds and ends when its been on the telly non stop for the last 5 years, and i've been made to sit through it (and not talk) by former lady friends.

Romário de Souza Faria's Birthday

2006-01-20T14:20:00.000Z

When I lived in Brazil I used to think Romario was a bit of a tool. Outspoken and arrogant with a god complex, I even used to believe myself that he wasted his talent. Recently I have had to reconsider, o Baixinho or the little'un turns 40 on the 29th of this month. Romario finisehd as top scorer In the Brazilian 2005 season for his mid-table club side Vasco de Gama. To think British football pundits cum in their pants from the odd goal by the 39 year old Teddy Sheringham in his cameo appearances for West Ham this season. Arguing that the Brazilian league is easier than European leagues is misguided, it certainly isn't Scotland! this is the league where the next crop of Ronaldinhos, Adrianos, and Robinhos are making a name for themselves in what is a very demanding, competitive and intense season before moving on to tear European defences to pieces.

So how could I think Romário was a wasted talent? perhaps it was as he never trained properly and when he did it was done seperately from his teamates, he could (can?) regularly be found in nightclub carparks with a young lady 'smoking his pipe' in the earlier hours of the morning before important games. I recognised he was as a footballing genius, but wondered how good he could have been had he tried a bit harder. I must have overlooked the fact that he is a World Cup winner, has won the golden boot and domestic title in every country he has played in with the exception of a brief mercenary stint in Qatar.

Happy 40th Birthday Romario! Training on your own and late night filth sessions in your Mercedes certainly haven't been detrimental to one incredible career. I'm sure Lee Sharpe and Stan Collymoore would have benefitted from your wisdom in balancing a night-life and womanising addiction with a professional football career.

Am I a 'Yindie'?

2006-01-12T12:50:00.000Z

Having always had a lot of contempt for 'yuppies' and their lifestyles and pretensions, I was a little concerned when I was sent this link from the Independent by my youngest sibling, Captain 'IndieBoy' Beancod.

http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/article338075.ece

There is a new category of person in town the Yindie, 'half-yuppie, half-indie, moneyed urban hipsters aged 20-35 who listen to wry northern indie music on their iPod nanos, and who think Zadie Smith is the pinnacle of alternative fiction.' OK i've got a cheapo MP3 player that only holds 40 songs and i've never been arsed to read a Zadie Smith book though I'm still quite concerned that I may fall into this new category of irritating pretentious young urban smart arse. To confirm whether or not this is the case I did the questionnaire.

Thankfully I did not answer mostly 'B' there were as many Cs as Bs, however the mention of blogs and Googling yourself in the questionnaire means that perhaps I am a borderline case!

Writer's Block

2005-12-21T16:21:00.000Z

I haven't written in the blog for a while, well its Christmas you see! a good blanket excuse for all your December shortcomings.

There must be certain people that dread Christmas, those who work in law enforcement, public transport, accident and emergency, quite simply because The Great British Public + Christmas = More people going out drinking even more than usual = chaos.

My blog absence is not due to Christmas, rather writers block, can't particularly think of anything to write about.

Looking at my last post about holiday harrasment it finally sunk in why I get undue attention from homos and prostitutes when on holiday in Brazil, and I know who is to blame. 10 per cent of my plane was filled with European fellas whose holiday motivations I suspect was the non-stop packing of local fudge. The other 10 per cent were groups of ugly middle aged men with their valuable European currency they had spent the year saving along with an accumulation of lust given that the girls in their own countries won't look twice at them, no doubt they embarked on a charge of the crap haircut dodgy moustache brigade straight to the nearest brothel upon arrival.

Given my writer's block it makes me respect journalists more given that it is there job to produce material on a daily basis for the public to read..........actually that is bollocks the run of the mill journalists in the UK particularly those that write in tabloids are scum.

I realised this the other day when I was watching the secret life of Colleen on Channel 5, following around the publicity hungry fiancé of Europe's best footballer, Wayne Rooney. There was one columnist from the Daily Mirror who was responsible for the most vitriolic attacks on the future Mrs Rooney regarding her weight, clothes, choice of friends etc. Fair enough, Colleen seems to love the limelight and needs the journalists to boost her public profile, but when they were interviewing the journalist in question I saw this posh smart-ass trying to hide the fact she is approaching 50 with a Superdrug counter's worth of make up. I think it is sick that she goes out of her way to single out a (then) 17 year old from Liverpool who I suspect she is actually infinitely jealous of.

I'm not sticking up for attention hungry celebrities, to tell you the truth i'm sick of them, Big Brother contestants, failed Pop Idols, and washed up soap stars who are now famous for no other reason than actually being famous. What does this make the journalists who report on the celebrities' Kings Road shopping trips or drunken parties in Funky Buddha? merely parasites of a pathetic species, who as they can't be one of them take up a career writing about them.

1 Lonely Filthbag = 8,000 pervs

2005-12-09T16:46:00.000Z

Prior to my recent holiday in Egypt I was told by numerous people how the local men will not leave Western girls in peace. This did not take place in the resort I stayed in but given what I saw in the airport and what I heard from the Aussie girl who ventured into the nearest town, harrasment is indeed rampant. This is by no means unique to Egypt I remember one girl saying her holiday to budget destination Gambia was ruined by local pervs!

I have a mathematical theory for why this happens;

Some women in Europe are desperate, often this is proportional to their mingingness, this then would make them ideal candidates for a holiday romance with the young handsome waiter/bartender/market trader who given the lack of approachability of the women folk of his native country, will go with absolutely anything. Lonely western women and local perv is an ideal match.

Though which came first Ms Lonely or Mr Perv? My theory is that for every lady that goes on holiday and has a 'local experience' he is going to tell at least 20 of his mates about his conquest and more than likely lie about how good looking she was and deduct 10 (or maybe even 20 in the extreme cases) years off her real age they in turn will tell 20 of their mates who will then spread the word about the easy Western woman to another 20 friends.

As a result 1 holiday romance in some countries will result in the creation of 8000 pervs (20x20x20=8000), all believing that because their friend of a friend got lucky they should be able to also! thus the population of Egypt is 58.52million presuming half of them are male it then only needs 3,625 ladies to romance a local fellow (quite feasible given that Egypt gets 7 million tourists a year) to create a whole nation of leering pervs!

Have you ever been 'Googled'?

2005-11-23T16:25:00.000Z

I was watching rom-com 'Hitch' with Will Smith the other day, which like a few other films of its genre (Notting Hill, Four Weddings) I will have to begrudgingly admit that it is quite amusing! I learnt a new verb from the film, uber-fit Eva Mendes talks to her single girlfriends about 'googling' their potential suitors. This was new to me, it means looking up individuals on Google search engine (not bowling a deceptive delivery at them with a cricket ball).

Having given it a bit of further thought I have in one form or another been 'googling' people for a few years now just didn't know that there actually existed a word for this.

This has been most useful prior to job interviews I find that 'Friends Reuniteding' your interviewers often provides you with a wealth of information about them that has come in useful in my last two successful job interviews.

Given this success I have also resorted to 'Yahooing' potential flatmates. I discovered that my newest housemate was actually a succsessful musician reassuring me that he wasn't using the term musician as a pseudonym for unemployed bum.

It makes me think what if someone 'Googled' me. Since my devious pre-interview preparation on Friends Reunited I have ammended my profile to make it more inoffensive. Given that my first name probably only comes second to James for most common name for middle class white boys in their 20s and O'Connor is as common as Smith in Ireland it should be rather unsurprising that Googling myself came up with 22,600 results, a selection of which follow;

Matthew O'Connor

-Was part of the executive production team for films such as; Face Off, Pirates of the Caribbean and War of the Worlds

- Founded pressure group Father's for Justice with their penchant for climbing up famous landmarks in super hero outfits

- Was stuck down the sink in Steven King's IT (I remember watching this bit and crapping myself)

- Is a Doctor in a work of Lesbian Literature called Nightwood described as; a poverty - stricken alcoholic who is pleasurably inclined towards homosexuality, transvestitism, and self - demoralization

For Googling someone to really work they need a bit more of a unique name than mine. I found out that Tyrone is in the City University team for the Jessop Moot competition (????), Daryush once applied for an English teaching job in Istanbul and Marc took nearly as much exception to Big Brother 2005 housemate Makosi as he does to this blog.

Guidlines for the Gym

2005-11-22T23:01:00.000Z

The importance of regular exercise sunk in when I arrived in Paris to meet a friend I haven't seen for a while who immediatly cracked up laughing, repeatedly calling me 'beer after work man'.

Since the age of 18 I have been a member of 5 different gyms at one time or another. I don't particularly like the gym, its not a very welcoming place its full of very odd people. I go to the gym as I feel it is important given my partiality to beer and food and my adolescent metabolism now being a distant memory.

I've come up with a few guidlines to make the gym visits more tolerable.

1) Blokes, I appreciate that supposedly 1 in 10 of us is a homosexual, perhaps, given that my gym is a) a gym and b) in Central London this could perhaps be as high as 1 in 5. It would be nice if they could respect the 80 per cent of us that are hetero. I appreciate that they are working out to look good when they go out cruising however there is no rainbow flag outside the gym, and there are plenty of more suitable places to go on the pull or indeed come out of the closet, indeed I heard rumours that once night falls on Hampstead Heath the entire spectrum of homo-erotic fetishes are catered for in various locations across the park.

2) Hetero blokes can avoid giving the homos the wrong impression by not poncing about the changing rooms, there are NO girls there, there NEVER will be any girls there and don't they have a mirror at home in to which they can stare at themselves intensely whilst flexing their muscles?

3) Obviously nudity is to be expected in the changing rooms though logic and practicality suggests underwear should be put on before shirts ties and cufflinks.

4) Remember beauty is on the inside or to put it more crudely 'you can't polish a turd'

5) Girls if you don't want boys to look at twenty of you on all fours with your bums sticking in the air in the fitness studio doing your legs bums and tums class, write to the gym and ask them to fit curtains in the fitness studio.

6) Boys be a bit more discreet when staring at the girls in legs bums and tums class otherwise they will put curtains or tinted glass in the fitness studio and deprive us of one of the few joys of the gym.

Harry Potter - keeps me ticking over

2005-11-17T14:15:00.000Z

The new Harry Potter film comes out tomorrow so no doubt all the little pre pubescents who are yet to discover Reader's Wives magazine (though I suppose it will be readerswives.com in this day and age) will be wetting themselves with excitement.

I was a latecomer on the Harry Potter bandwagon. Living abroad for over a year with little updates on what is going on back home other than football scores is quite a peculiar experience, things change! You arrive home and discover that your mushroom haircut and red YSL jacket are out of fashion (if they were ever actually in fashion) the number of football supporters for London clubs has mysteriously doubled, the most popular rap artist is white, and everyone child and adult alike is going mad for some children's book about a young wizard.

At first I thought it was stupid and embarrassing that all these adults were reading a children's book and calling themselves 'muggles' with their 'mates' in North London 'gastro' pubs (the latter is still inexcusable).

It was a stint of unemployment after finishing uni that converted me. I was bored , I would wake up at 4 PM rush to great dressed and pretend to my Mum who had just got home from work that I had been up for hours.

What kept me ticking over for a few weeks were Harry Potter I, II, III and IV, I read the four consecutively in a short space of time and was converted. I did then lose track of what was going on and only picked up the last two books recently. They make the journey to work pass in an instant and I am actually quite concerned about what I'm going to read when i've finished.

I can forgive J.K Iwasasinglemotheronbenefitsyouknow! Rowling for ripping off Lord of the Rings and the Chronicles of Narnia big time in her books as long as she hurries up and gets number seven out to keep me ticking over for another few weeks.

Plagiarism

2005-11-10T11:56:00.000Z

Has been a while since the last post! the honeymoon period in the new job is over, so idle afternoons thinking up new posts for the blogs are few and far between.

Further to my Arctic Monkeys - Believe the Hype post, I came across the below article in The Economist;

Monkey business
Oct 27th 2005 From The Economist print edition

Music charts began as a way for record labels to market their acts. How galling then for the industry that the number-one spot in this week's chart was taken by Arctic Monkeys, a band from Sheffield whose first professional single owes its existence not to the image-makers but to internet file-sharing. The band began by handing out free CDs with rough versions of songs at concerts. Songs were made available on the band's website and e-mailed between fans. Now, says Johnny Bradshaw of Domino (the label that belatedly signed the band), when Arctic Monkeys play concerts, 1,500 people sing along to songs that have not yet been released. Even more sweetly, the band seized the top spot from the Sugababes, a manufactured pop act with sculpted eyebrows and perfect hair. Though bands have used the internet to market themselves before, none has won such commercial success without the help of a record company. If I were a major record label, I'd be firing my A&R man,says Mr Bradshaw. There is some comfort for the industry as it contemplates the threat to its revenues from the internet, though: at least enough fans went and bought the single to send it to number one.

Mixed feelings about this article, my initial reaction was 'oi I said that first' with specific regard to the observations that their 'first professional single owes its existence not to the image-makers but to internet file-sharing' and 'when Arctic Monkeys play concerts, 1,500 people sing along to songs that have not yet been released'. Whilst I want to accuse the world renowned publication of plagiarism, at the same time I feel an element of smugness that similar things are being written about in The Economist as my two bob blog.

Another issue to take into consideration is that now that the band have reached number one in the charts, a place usually reserved for the likes of Westlife, Crazy Frog, and reality show winners, and press coverage extends even to the 'uncool' Economist, I think perhaps being an Arctic Monkeys fan no longer makes you 'cool' and 'cutting edge'.

Will I now become like the music boffins Henry 'I interviewed them at Coventry uni when they were unknowns' Norman, Marcelo 'I liked Keane before the rest of Brazil did' Paiva, or Captain 'I don't like them any more because they are to commercial' Beancod, and start spouting the 'I liked them before everybody else did' Cliche?

Idler's Crap Towns

2005-10-31T13:06:00.000Z

Not widely publicised by the Visit Britain website though anyone who has lived in the UK for a certain amount of time can tell you; there are no shortage of places to live in this country that are plain and simply .......crap.

Idler's Crap Towns list has been around for about three years now, the clever fellows at the Idler magazine have made a killing with their '50 worst places to live' in the UK publication, using contributions from the general public, ideal coffee table or sitting on the throne reading material. Given that I am a Yorkshireman 'why buy't book when you can read it all ont internet for nowt' is the stance taken.

There does not seem to be any correlation between crappiness and levels of prosperity indeed many of the crappest towns listed are full employment high GDP per capita commuter towns like High Wycombe, St Albans, and Welwyn Garden City.

My favourite of all the descriptions is that of Islington in North London the contributor observes that; 'Nowhere else in the world can you come across so many people in their 30’s dressed as teenagers and listening to their ‘technical’ music' This hits the nail right on the head, inner city London dwellers just do not grow old gracefully.

The observant fellow goes on to introduce a new sociological concept of 'downward aspirant social mobility' where the Islingtonites; 'Jacks and Chloes and their 'mates' go to Arsenal, they eat pie & chips and speak in half-words though this is short lived as they go on to the next staging post in the middle-class diaspora (Hampstead probably) and return to their natural foods, accents, dress-codes'. I don't know who Andrew Baille is but his satirisation of Islington is spot on, indeed it was an inspiration for this blog.

Other crap towns contributions close to home are London, which takes a real hammering. Predictably the Crapital is then vigorously defended by its delusional natives 'whose narrow minded idiocy that comes from never EVER leaving your home town'. I actually share a postcode with Sutton; 'If the Daily Mail were a town, it would be Sutton. The entire place reeks of intolerance, sexual repression and aspirational interior decoration'. And I'm only a tram ride away from Croydon 'Full of mockney wankers and Wetherspoon pubs'.

I'm actually a big fan of a few of the nominated towns, Liverpool, Leeds, Manchester and Whitby come in for a slating though fair enough if your gonna give it out have to be able to take it in, and the criticisms aren't really that funny or relevant. Though suprisingly Sheffield has been immune to all the Idler inspired mud slinging and does not make it into the hundreds of towns listed, I actually find this a bit dissapointing probably on the basis of 'better to be talked about badly than not talked about at all' someone famous once said this I think, does anybody know who it was?

I think I will forward my letter sent to Majestic Wine Warehouses to the Idler for their Crap Jobs section.

Classic Mumisms

2005-10-26T14:35:00.000+01:00

I feel a bit like i'm ripping off comedy genius Peter Kay, by trying to have a laugh at my Mum's expense, though the Sunday's tabloid headlines regarding a scandal involving a young Man Utd player reminded me of a very amusing conversation at home in Sheffield a few years ago.

Context: The family lunch table, me and my brother, Alex had been out on the town the previous evening. The tabloid newspapers are full of stories about Premier League footballers group sex sessions and the general public becomes familiar with the term 'roasting'.

Mum: Did you two have a good time last night?
Alex: Yeh it was good
(both brothers start smirking at each other)
Mum: What? What? What? what are you two smirking at??
Matt: Nothing!
(Alex starts laughing)
Mum: Tell me! Tell me!
(she pauses looks us both up and down)
Mum: you didn't.............
you didn't......... 'roast chicken' somebody did you?

NB. Needless to say we did not 'roast chicken' anybody, and I can't for the life of me remember what we were smiling about.

Phobias

2005-10-18T16:00:00.000+01:00

I have a phobia, not a dislike or hatred as the words xenophobia or homophobia would imply but an actual fear.

The closest official phobia that I could find from an extremely comprehensive list was Tocophobia- Fear of pregnancy or childbirth, this does not really describe what I have, I have a phobia of pregnant women. I appreciate their importance for the survival of the human species, but quite simply I am unnerved by their presence.

I believe I have developed this phobia relatively recently, since I have been in London. No doubt an environmentally induced phobia rather than any medical condition. It was yesterday that it sank in that I had this phobia on the journey home from work, after gladly giving up my seat for one pregnant lady (they scare me less when they are not standing up).

I have given some thought as to why it is I have this phobia and believe I have an answer;

My Journey into work.

One of the perks of living in Morden (other than the affordable living costs, low levels of crime, nice big parks, and a LIDL supermarket) is a guaranteed seat on the train. I am very conscious of this priviledge and unlike some of my fellow commuters I will give up my seat in an instant to elderly, disabled, injured or pregnant people and those with small children.

I have lost count of the times that I have stood up for a fatty mistaking her gut for actually carrying an embryo. You instantly realise that she is not pregnant when she scowls at you and declines the seat, though the odd cheeky heifer gladly takes you up on your generous offer. The result is that when faced with a borderline fatty/preggers lady in front of me I spend a good five minutes staring nervously at her midriff which makes me look like a weirdo! Pregnant commuters cause me distress and unease during my journey to and from work even when they are in fact not actually present.

Some quality phobias that I discovered on this website, (neither of which I suffer from) are;

Thaasophobia - Fear of sitting
(I think saying - 'has hemorrhoids' is easier!)

Sexophobia/Heterophobia - Fear of the opposite sex
(I know a few sufferers I call it KGNness though)

Believe the Hype - Arctic Monkeys, The Astoria 06/10/05

2005-10-12T13:57:00.000+01:00

A recent BBC review of the Arctic Monkeys set during this year's Reading festival observed the following; 'everyone who hears the Arctic Monkeys becomes a dedicated messenger on a quest for more people to jump on the bandwagon and what a wagon it is'.

This is a fitting description of my own experience, pushed onto the bandwagon by my brother Danny who had recently jumped on after Binyon's recommendation. Last Thursday's gig was superb, an amazing experience. The Arctic Monkeys hype is reaching a crescendo in the music press at the mo, but it was word of mouth from those who had been to a gig or downloaded some of their music online that initially propelled them to a packed Astoria.

This band has only released one limited edition single, yet the whole venue was singing along word for word to the majority of their set. The astonishment could even be seen on the faces of the Sheffield teenagers, when they weren't dodging flying beer cans (two of which hit the unfortunate Captain Beancod aka Danny). I think it might have been the first time that the immensity of the bandwagon that they are driving really sunk in.

Pretentious Guardian critic Betty Clarke describes the AMs as 'the first download superstars' and aptly describes them as having 'fused the best of the two most iconic bands of the past decade Oasis's gift for anthemic melodies meets polished-up Libertines' rhythms under Turner's taunting sneer, but it's the brutal bruised lyrics iced with northern sensibilities that set Arctic Monkeys apart.' Yet Ms Clarke only gave the gig 3/5 stars in her review, bet you a tenner she is a Londoner and maybe (hopefully) she got hit by one of the flying cans that influenced her opinion.

Despite the internet maybe depriving EMI and Universal shareholders of a few bob, I reckon its been a godsend for bands like the Monkeys. Would such a rapid rise to fame have been possible ten years ago in the pre internet era? OK maybe you wont make as much money on album and single sales given the levels of internet piracy but when tickets for you first London gig are going on EBay for £100+ suggests that a very lucrative live music career awaits you.

Indie gigs being unfamiliar territory for me I observed the following;

-These IndieRock gigs are big sweaty 'sword fights'! There are about 10 lads for every girl who is usually there with her bloke anyway. As such I now appreciate more the link between being a KGN* and an Indie boy, touched upon in the previous 'musical ignoramus' post. Maybe these lads should get themselves down School Disco once in a while to bring some equilibrium to their adolescent lives.

- Football fans do not have the best reputation in the world particularly in the UK, however if I threw beer cans, crowd surfed or jumped into all those around me at Bramall lane, I would get thrown out and banned from the ground and more than likely arrested and cautioned. Double Standards!

- Indie kids' appearance is almost as homogeneous as that of chavs, in fairness it is not ugly, aggressive, ridiculous-looking and circus clown-esque like the latter's, but it is still very hard to note any individuality between the same haircuts, polo shirts and/or tracky tops, jeans and trainers.

Track 2# for the life soundtrack is 'Fake Tales of San Francisco' , as it really sums up those really annoying people you often cross paths with that incessantly go on about themselves and what they've done where they've been...........and incidentaly......did you know?..errrrr...... I lived in San Francisco for 3 months.

* KGN = King Get None (Rei Peganingue em Portugues)

New Blog

2005-10-09T15:27:00.000+01:00

My mate Ben McPartland (Peanut head) has started his 'Under the Paving Stones' blog. Despite his Bohemian setting of Paris where he writes on the bank of the River Seine (a few km up from his original spot once he discovered the hard way that it was a stretch of the river bank notorious for cruising) his first posting is an insightful and interesting piece on what is wrong with English football at the mo.

Ben is the legendary 'vika um tonga' who so far in the comments field of this blog has managed to direct the topics of crap jobs and indie gigs onto the subject of poo and wee.

Guide to Gig Protocol

2005-10-06T15:37:00.000+01:00

I'm off to watch up and coming Sheffield band the Artic Monkeys tonight with Bean and Binyon. I was a little unsure about what you actually do at gigs given my previous lack of experience (see musical ignoramus post). My brother kindly produced this cut out and keep guide to gig protocol;

(for standard indie-rock outfit at a medium sized venue)

Ages 14-17: Moshing; Crowd surfing; losing your Vans in the mosh pit; trying to get served (occasionally succeeding!); trying to pull goth-lite teenage girls (very rarely succeeding)

Ages 18-23 Standing about to get a good spot; bouncing over-excitedly; losing self-control and trying to crowd surf/ mosh over-enthusistially once again...often with disasterous results.

Ages 23-35: Stand at the back with a pint in hand, trying to look cool; nodding head appreciatively to music; stating "yeah...wicked, but it wasn't as good as when I saw them at the Fox and Badger two years ago, y'know just after they released their white label limited edition debut ep..."

Ages 35+: Unless you're a) famous or b) a journalist for the NME, you ought to be sat in row F at Coldplay's next stadium world tour...anything else and you just look foolish.

Danny O'Connor
October 2005

Personal Soundtrack - Track One

2005-10-04T17:04:00.000+01:00

Listening to the MP3 this morning during the zombie hour of commuting, I started daydreaming about what 12 songs I would choose if I were to make a life soundtrack.

My first choice relates to regional identity, track one is 'Welcome to the North' by The Music. This beats off competition from 80s classic 'Life in a Northern Town' by one hit wonders Dream Academy. True to form I only started listening to The Music a few weeks ago, two years after telling Peanut to bog off whilst he was raving about the Leeds based band and trying to get me to go to the gig with him.

I've noticed native Londoners cling to their regional identities. Nobody identifies themselves as a just simply a Londoner, the North South East and West of the city are always emphasised. The river Thames is talked about as though it was the Berlin Wall or Israel's security barrier 'oh will i need my passport' 'ooh South of the river what an adventure'. I think this is an attempt at humour.......................not a very good one......... end of the day its only a shitting river.

I do wonder as to how genuine Londoner's claims to these identities actually are. First and second generation Londoners whether their parents or grandparents are from Ireland, Scotland, India or elsewhere consider themselves to actually be from these foreign lands despite never having spent more than a cumulative six months there. Is being a Londoner that unappealing that these alternative pseudo identies are required?

It is hypocritical for me to satirise this behaviour in Londoners as since I arrived in the capital, I do go on a fair bit about the North. 'I'm northern', 'Yorkshire this', 'Sheffield that' blah blah blah 'people are different up North'. I have never felt so 'northern' since arriving in London four years ago, as such am I not clinging to an identity just as much as the Londoners do? In fairness I did spend 18+ of my formative years in Sheffield, and its not as though i'm running round introducing myself as a Celtic-Latino-Iberian-Italian-American am I? all of which I can lay some sort of lame claim to.

As for the rest of 'The Mush Album', incorporating any of my favourite hip-hop tracks into the album is a bit difficult as it is hard to find any relevancy given my white middle class suburban background, however I reckon Sir Mix-a-Lot's 'Baby got Back' could get a look in and perhaps Jay-Z's 'Girls Girls Girls' the latter as representative of what I aspire to!

To my Brazilian friends, cheesetastic 'Hoje é Festa' by Latino is on the shortlist and more than likely to be included.

Further suggestions for the remaining eleven tracks are very welcome however offensive I may find them!

Have a good Wednesday!

Dear Former Employer

2005-09-30T16:19:00.000+01:00

I WILL send this tomorrow careers@majestic.co.uk

Dear Majestic Wine Warehouses,

Since working for a fortnight as a delivery driver for Majestic over eight years ago, I have kept myself informed regarding the progress of your company. I have been very impressed with the dynamic growth within the wine retail sector providing much needed competition to the previous Oddbins and Thresher duopoly. I am now a successful investment banker educated to post-graduate degree level and would like to offer some free advice to your company.

I feel that Majestic's business model can contribute for the study of contemporary business studies as it represents an empirical example that goes against the well established PPP (Products Price and People) theory for a successful enterprise. Given that your business has the quality product at competitive prices yet is staffed by complete nincompoops, this is an example of a successful business model depending upon just PP rather than PPP.

Coming into work at your Battersea and Clapham branches at the age of 19 I was shocked by what a miserable bunch of charsima-less losers you consistently employed across all the branches, all seemed to really take exception to my carefree youthful exuberance and go out of there way not to talk to me. I believe that these were called your 'graduate management trainees'.

I have reviewed your graduate recruitment website and come up with the following observations/recommendations;

- University is no longer the bastion of academic excellence as it was in previous decades, any idiot can go to university these days, indeed your assistant managers are testament to this fact. Why not employ any old idiot that did not go to university thus removing the bitterness of your graduate trainees when it sinks in that they went to university only to end up as a glorified shop assistant?

- You say in your advert that the hours are long, the work physical and you need to be prepared to shift boxes, build displays and make deliveries. You then have the cheek to call this a 'great opportunity'. Please explain how this is in fact a 'great opportunity'?

- Caroline Fox says 'Being the Manager of a large store doesn't stop me from getting my hands dirty - there is always merchandising to be done and deliveries to unload ' That is ALL these managers ever seemed to do, as such is it fair to delude them with the title Assistant Manager? Remember wise old man from Wearside once said 'YOU CAN'T POLISH A TURD'. In my professional experience honesty is the best policy , I will be referring your graduate recruitment website to the Trading Standards Office.

Finally I would like to inform you how I gained job satisfaction during my two weeks at Majestic, maybe it can be used as a template for keepin staff content;

-Stealing Pringles, Pistachios and Kettle Chips before leaving the shop and waving my loot in celebration behind the backs of all my miserable colleagues.
-Making obscene hand gestures to the delusional, glorified shop assistant, stupid manager who had ideas well above her station and looked like Jo Brand.
-Spending two hours in Safeway car park, Streatham reading the newspaper then coming back into the shop complaining about the 'bloody traffic'.
-Driving the indiscreet Majestic van round London (particularly Kensington and Chelsea) shouting obscenities at other motorists and pedestrians.
-Using my 25 per cent staff discount for two years after my 14 day stint as a delivery driver!

Alas if you would like any further business advice from myself it will no longer be free, the price is £100/hr which is progression from the £4.20 you used to pay me that with no consideration paid regarding food and transport during the 10 hour day/6 day week.

Kind Regards

Matt

Mush - Portrait of a Musical Ignoramus

2005-09-27T11:03:00.000+01:00

In Recent years I have undergone a bit of an enlightenment, attended a concert or two, been to V festival, borrowed my brothers CDs that I had previously written off as smelly indie kid bollocks. Embarrassingly I am a musical ignoramus, I discovered the Stone Roses after the year 2000, and it was my two Brazilian record producer housemates that informed me that Depeche Mode, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin are from England and not California.

Influenced by the film 24 Hour Party People, musicians Will & Leo from Mr Mouse recording studio and other music lovers like Peanut and my youngest sibling Danny, I have been enlightened. I'm still a good year or two behind the latest bands and rather than the pretentious oft heard claim 'I liked them before they were famous when nobody had heard of them' with me its a case of 'I liked them after everybody else did'.

Music fans will wonder what I actually did during my adolescence to be so oblivious to the great music scene going on around me in the 1990s. The indy rock and roll kids were bopping away in venues like Sheffield's Leadmill, the almost hallucinogenic cider they had drunk leading them to believe that the band they were watching will be bigger than the Beatles. I was to be found on the dance floors of places such as Roxy Disco, Kikis, Isabella's, or Capitol begrudgingly tapping my foot to Bobby Brown's 'two can play that game' (still HATE that song) whilst on an unsuccessful quest to achieve the Holy Grail for a sixteen year old, the infamous DFP.

In defence of my choice of places to frequent in my teenage days, I feel a recent Guardian article partially vindicated my decision. Reviewing controversial Indie film 9 Songs the critic observed that 'The only people that get less sex than indie boys are high ranking Opus Dei members and heavy metal fans'. Remembering my indie boy mates' levels of success with the opposite sex back in the day I see where he is coming from!

5 Tell Tale Signs that you have a CRAP job

2005-09-27T10:55:00.000+01:00

1) Your highlight of the day is the 10-30 mins you spend on the throne.*

2) The most intelligent daily conversation you get is out of the canteen cashier who can't speak English properly anyway.

3) You know the symptoms for numerous illnesses you have never had and probably never will have, and they all go through your mind every morning when the alarm clock goes off.

4) You look at the Window Cleaners with envy.

5) Tracey, Sharon, Gary and Trevor are the most frequent names of your colleagues.

Bonus) Your employer was formerly known as Midland Bank

*1-2 hours on a Friday with the alcoplops after you've been on the DiahaBeer on Thursday night