London Life

Compulsory reading for Brazilians whose opinions on England and the English in general are drawn solely from London. There is some quality London and Londoner slating going on in this forum.

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/travelog/2006/03/london_isnt_calling.html

Match Report Courtesy of Peanut

Grudge Match the Langdale Road house from Academic year 1998-1999 vs the Exiles who humiliated the Langdalers in late 1999 in a Liverpool park, Darren Tan and yours truly losing count of how many we scored.

Match Report Courtesy of never ending student (currently journalism) Ben Mcpartland aka Peanut Head

Final Score Langdale 20 Exiles 19

Players Ratings

EXILES
Potts 7/10 Tireless amounts of hard graft put in. He did all his own work plus that of Bez and Tan. Started bleeding internally when he got near our goal though. His slow conversion from rugby to football is a long process but one that is steadily reaping benefits.

Bez 5/10> He's fleshed out since the days when he was just a pair of shoulders. Tied by a chain to our goal, just long enough for him to skirt around the edge, picking up lost balls. Made to look good with a couple of goals by McPartland, but neverthe less he took them well.

Hanson 5/10> Let his team down badly. The award for the most deterioted player since
Carnatic Green goes to Hanson, just pipping McPartland. Where has all the aggression gone. Has he finally accepted that he won't make the England squad? Some glimpses of the old Al, but not enough to drag his team up to the level of Langdale.

Tan 4/10 Couldn't get a score of more than 5 anyway as he missed half the game. Spent more time laid prone on the floor after slipping over and then claiming injury. Did he wax his grips before the game? Lost a yard of pace since university and since he only had a yard and half of pace to begin with, you could tell.

O'Connor 6/10 Ran round like a ball of flammable testosterone gas. Combining petchulant kicks and shoulder barges with some neat passes. Still runs with the ball and turns like he has a cactus up his bottom.

LANGDALERS
McPartland 4/10 The pressure of organising the game and gettin the players there on time took its toll on him. Passes went astray, tackles were missed, but still showed he has the passion for a fight with needled exchanges with O'Connor.Played his part in many langdale goals by staying well out of the way.

Jackson 7/10 He was as hooked on the white line of the opposition box as much as he was all those years ago. This reformed drug addict played some neat stuff and scored the winning goal. Runs like a stick insect on hot coals.

Clinton 6/10 Hard to decipher Clinton's performance. Some good stuff, some ridiculous stuff. Greedier with the ball than he makes out to be. Helped slow the game down when he kicked the ball on to the motorway.

O'Malley 6/10 Some games are played over two legs, with John that's impossible. His Left leg still possesses vast array of skills, as long as it is wound up sufficiently before the game starts, and just before whenever O' Malley gets the ball. Right leg however, not even good enough for standing on. Middle Leg? Offers support to his left leg when his right leg goes missing.

LYALL 8/10Most improved player since University, infact along with Pottsy Lyall was the only other player to actually improve at all over time. Lyall, another convert from egg chasing to football was everywhere, breaking up attacks and starting his own. If only Krowt, Jim's old friend and competitor was there to see it. Jim's turn around from University was> capped with the presence of an Aussie beauty hanging off his arm. Gemma and the chocolate box, just about forgotten about.
Man ofthe match: Lyall, Well done lad

Scraping the Barrel

Can't think of anything to write these days so i'll plaguerise Viz Top Tips, a lot of people might have already seen these though they are always good for a laugh, my favourites are in bold!

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f-ing thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p1ssed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' c0nd0ms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create thee ffect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p1ssing in the sink.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a Haulpak or similar outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the Haulpak unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!