Idler's Crap Towns

Not widely publicised by the Visit Britain website though anyone who has lived in the UK for a certain amount of time can tell you; there are no shortage of places to live in this country that are plain and simply .......crap.

Idler's Crap Towns list has been around for about three years now, the clever fellows at the Idler magazine have made a killing with their '50 worst places to live' in the UK publication, using contributions from the general public, ideal coffee table or sitting on the throne reading material. Given that I am a Yorkshireman 'why buy't book when you can read it all ont internet for nowt' is the stance taken.

There does not seem to be any correlation between crappiness and levels of prosperity indeed many of the crappest towns listed are full employment high GDP per capita commuter towns like High Wycombe, St Albans, and Welwyn Garden City.

My favourite of all the descriptions is that of Islington in North London the contributor observes that; 'Nowhere else in the world can you come across so many people in their 30’s dressed as teenagers and listening to their ‘technical’ music' This hits the nail right on the head, inner city London dwellers just do not grow old gracefully.

The observant fellow goes on to introduce a new sociological concept of 'downward aspirant social mobility' where the Islingtonites; 'Jacks and Chloes and their 'mates' go to Arsenal, they eat pie & chips and speak in half-words though this is short lived as they go on to the next staging post in the middle-class diaspora (Hampstead probably) and return to their natural foods, accents, dress-codes'. I don't know who Andrew Baille is but his satirisation of Islington is spot on, indeed it was an inspiration for this blog.

Other crap towns contributions close to home are London, which takes a real hammering. Predictably the Crapital is then vigorously defended by its delusional natives 'whose narrow minded idiocy that comes from never EVER leaving your home town'. I actually share a postcode with Sutton; 'If the Daily Mail were a town, it would be Sutton. The entire place reeks of intolerance, sexual repression and aspirational interior decoration'. And I'm only a tram ride away from Croydon 'Full of mockney wankers and Wetherspoon pubs'.

I'm actually a big fan of a few of the nominated towns, Liverpool, Leeds, Manchester and Whitby come in for a slating though fair enough if your gonna give it out have to be able to take it in, and the criticisms aren't really that funny or relevant. Though suprisingly Sheffield has been immune to all the Idler inspired mud slinging and does not make it into the hundreds of towns listed, I actually find this a bit dissapointing probably on the basis of 'better to be talked about badly than not talked about at all' someone famous once said this I think, does anybody know who it was?

I think I will forward my letter sent to Majestic Wine Warehouses to the Idler for their Crap Jobs section.

Classic Mumisms

I feel a bit like i'm ripping off comedy genius Peter Kay, by trying to have a laugh at my Mum's expense, though the Sunday's tabloid headlines regarding a scandal involving a young Man Utd player reminded me of a very amusing conversation at home in Sheffield a few years ago.

Context: The family lunch table, me and my brother, Alex had been out on the town the previous evening. The tabloid newspapers are full of stories about Premier League footballers group sex sessions and the general public becomes familiar with the term 'roasting'.

Mum: Did you two have a good time last night?
Alex: Yeh it was good
(both brothers start smirking at each other)
Mum: What? What? What? what are you two smirking at??
Matt: Nothing!
(Alex starts laughing)
Mum: Tell me! Tell me!
(she pauses looks us both up and down)
Mum: you didn't.............
you didn't......... 'roast chicken' somebody did you?

NB. Needless to say we did not 'roast chicken' anybody, and I can't for the life of me remember what we were smiling about.

Phobias

I have a phobia, not a dislike or hatred as the words xenophobia or homophobia would imply but an actual fear.

The closest official phobia that I could find from an extremely comprehensive list was Tocophobia- Fear of pregnancy or childbirth, this does not really describe what I have, I have a phobia of pregnant women. I appreciate their importance for the survival of the human species, but quite simply I am unnerved by their presence.

I believe I have developed this phobia relatively recently, since I have been in London. No doubt an environmentally induced phobia rather than any medical condition. It was yesterday that it sank in that I had this phobia on the journey home from work, after gladly giving up my seat for one pregnant lady (they scare me less when they are not standing up).

I have given some thought as to why it is I have this phobia and believe I have an answer;

My Journey into work.

One of the perks of living in Morden (other than the affordable living costs, low levels of crime, nice big parks, and a LIDL supermarket) is a guaranteed seat on the train. I am very conscious of this priviledge and unlike some of my fellow commuters I will give up my seat in an instant to elderly, disabled, injured or pregnant people and those with small children.

I have lost count of the times that I have stood up for a fatty mistaking her gut for actually carrying an embryo. You instantly realise that she is not pregnant when she scowls at you and declines the seat, though the odd cheeky heifer gladly takes you up on your generous offer. The result is that when faced with a borderline fatty/preggers lady in front of me I spend a good five minutes staring nervously at her midriff which makes me look like a weirdo! Pregnant commuters cause me distress and unease during my journey to and from work even when they are in fact not actually present.

Some quality phobias that I discovered on this website, (neither of which I suffer from) are;

Thaasophobia - Fear of sitting
(I think saying - 'has hemorrhoids' is easier!)

Sexophobia/Heterophobia - Fear of the opposite sex
(I know a few sufferers I call it KGNness though)

Believe the Hype - Arctic Monkeys, The Astoria 06/10/05

A recent BBC review of the Arctic Monkeys set during this year's Reading festival observed the following; 'everyone who hears the Arctic Monkeys becomes a dedicated messenger on a quest for more people to jump on the bandwagon and what a wagon it is'.

This is a fitting description of my own experience, pushed onto the bandwagon by my brother Danny who had recently jumped on after Binyon's recommendation. Last Thursday's gig was superb, an amazing experience. The Arctic Monkeys hype is reaching a crescendo in the music press at the mo, but it was word of mouth from those who had been to a gig or downloaded some of their music online that initially propelled them to a packed Astoria.

This band has only released one limited edition single, yet the whole venue was singing along word for word to the majority of their set. The astonishment could even be seen on the faces of the Sheffield teenagers, when they weren't dodging flying beer cans (two of which hit the unfortunate Captain Beancod aka Danny). I think it might have been the first time that the immensity of the bandwagon that they are driving really sunk in.

Pretentious Guardian critic Betty Clarke describes the AMs as 'the first download superstars' and aptly describes them as having 'fused the best of the two most iconic bands of the past decade Oasis's gift for anthemic melodies meets polished-up Libertines' rhythms under Turner's taunting sneer, but it's the brutal bruised lyrics iced with northern sensibilities that set Arctic Monkeys apart.' Yet Ms Clarke only gave the gig 3/5 stars in her review, bet you a tenner she is a Londoner and maybe (hopefully) she got hit by one of the flying cans that influenced her opinion.

Despite the internet maybe depriving EMI and Universal shareholders of a few bob, I reckon its been a godsend for bands like the Monkeys. Would such a rapid rise to fame have been possible ten years ago in the pre internet era? OK maybe you wont make as much money on album and single sales given the levels of internet piracy but when tickets for you first London gig are going on EBay for £100+ suggests that a very lucrative live music career awaits you.

Indie gigs being unfamiliar territory for me I observed the following;

-These IndieRock gigs are big sweaty 'sword fights'! There are about 10 lads for every girl who is usually there with her bloke anyway. As such I now appreciate more the link between being a KGN* and an Indie boy, touched upon in the previous 'musical ignoramus' post. Maybe these lads should get themselves down School Disco once in a while to bring some equilibrium to their adolescent lives.

- Football fans do not have the best reputation in the world particularly in the UK, however if I threw beer cans, crowd surfed or jumped into all those around me at Bramall lane, I would get thrown out and banned from the ground and more than likely arrested and cautioned. Double Standards!

- Indie kids' appearance is almost as homogeneous as that of chavs, in fairness it is not ugly, aggressive, ridiculous-looking and circus clown-esque like the latter's, but it is still very hard to note any individuality between the same haircuts, polo shirts and/or tracky tops, jeans and trainers.

Track 2# for the life soundtrack is 'Fake Tales of San Francisco' , as it really sums up those really annoying people you often cross paths with that incessantly go on about themselves and what they've done where they've been...........and incidentaly......did you know?..errrrr...... I lived in San Francisco for 3 months.

* KGN = King Get None (Rei Peganingue em Portugues)

New Blog

My mate Ben McPartland (Peanut head) has started his 'Under the Paving Stones' blog. Despite his Bohemian setting of Paris where he writes on the bank of the River Seine (a few km up from his original spot once he discovered the hard way that it was a stretch of the river bank notorious for cruising) his first posting is an insightful and interesting piece on what is wrong with English football at the mo.

Ben is the legendary 'vika um tonga' who so far in the comments field of this blog has managed to direct the topics of crap jobs and indie gigs onto the subject of poo and wee.

Guide to Gig Protocol

I'm off to watch up and coming Sheffield band the Artic Monkeys tonight with Bean and Binyon. I was a little unsure about what you actually do at gigs given my previous lack of experience (see musical ignoramus post). My brother kindly produced this cut out and keep guide to gig protocol;

(for standard indie-rock outfit at a medium sized venue)

Ages 14-17: Moshing; Crowd surfing; losing your Vans in the mosh pit; trying to get served (occasionally succeeding!); trying to pull goth-lite teenage girls (very rarely succeeding)

Ages 18-23 Standing about to get a good spot; bouncing over-excitedly; losing self-control and trying to crowd surf/ mosh over-enthusistially once again...often with disasterous results.

Ages 23-35: Stand at the back with a pint in hand, trying to look cool; nodding head appreciatively to music; stating "yeah...wicked, but it wasn't as good as when I saw them at the Fox and Badger two years ago, y'know just after they released their white label limited edition debut ep..."

Ages 35+: Unless you're a) famous or b) a journalist for the NME, you ought to be sat in row F at Coldplay's next stadium world tour...anything else and you just look foolish.

Danny O'Connor
October 2005

Personal Soundtrack - Track One

Listening to the MP3 this morning during the zombie hour of commuting, I started daydreaming about what 12 songs I would choose if I were to make a life soundtrack.

My first choice relates to regional identity, track one is 'Welcome to the North' by The Music. This beats off competition from 80s classic 'Life in a Northern Town' by one hit wonders Dream Academy. True to form I only started listening to The Music a few weeks ago, two years after telling Peanut to bog off whilst he was raving about the Leeds based band and trying to get me to go to the gig with him.

I've noticed native Londoners cling to their regional identities. Nobody identifies themselves as a just simply a Londoner, the North South East and West of the city are always emphasised. The river Thames is talked about as though it was the Berlin Wall or Israel's security barrier 'oh will i need my passport' 'ooh South of the river what an adventure'. I think this is an attempt at humour.......................not a very good one......... end of the day its only a shitting river.

I do wonder as to how genuine Londoner's claims to these identities actually are. First and second generation Londoners whether their parents or grandparents are from Ireland, Scotland, India or elsewhere consider themselves to actually be from these foreign lands despite never having spent more than a cumulative six months there. Is being a Londoner that unappealing that these alternative pseudo identies are required?

It is hypocritical for me to satirise this behaviour in Londoners as since I arrived in the capital, I do go on a fair bit about the North. 'I'm northern', 'Yorkshire this', 'Sheffield that' blah blah blah 'people are different up North'. I have never felt so 'northern' since arriving in London four years ago, as such am I not clinging to an identity just as much as the Londoners do? In fairness I did spend 18+ of my formative years in Sheffield, and its not as though i'm running round introducing myself as a Celtic-Latino-Iberian-Italian-American am I? all of which I can lay some sort of lame claim to.

As for the rest of 'The Mush Album', incorporating any of my favourite hip-hop tracks into the album is a bit difficult as it is hard to find any relevancy given my white middle class suburban background, however I reckon Sir Mix-a-Lot's 'Baby got Back' could get a look in and perhaps Jay-Z's 'Girls Girls Girls' the latter as representative of what I aspire to!

To my Brazilian friends, cheesetastic 'Hoje é Festa' by Latino is on the shortlist and more than likely to be included.

Further suggestions for the remaining eleven tracks are very welcome however offensive I may find them!

Have a good Wednesday!