No More Blog

Sadly this blog has run its course! in true blog fashion i'll give 5 reasons why;

1) The days of having NOTHING to do at work are a but a distant memory.
2) I've run out of ideas of things to write about.
3) The blog no longer infuriates Marc 'Blockhead' Oddy and thus he no longer writes nasty comments
4) Don't think anyone read it anyway other than Marcelo
5) Can't be arsed anymore

I can't get enough.....I'm hooked

Petulance in Paris proves Wenger is still world's worst loser
http://sport.independent.co.uk/football/comment/article541550.ece
'Barcelona did what they had to with skill and perseverance and in the end they were entirely worthy champions of Europe.'

'Eboué might also easily have been awarded a yellow card for his shameless dive for the free-kick which allowed Thierry Henry to send a pinpoint cross on to the head of Sol Campbell for Arsenal's improbably defiant goal in the 38th minute.

If the referee, Terje Hauge, had had the vision and the nerve to react to the kind of cheating that Wenger so many times attributes to opponents - always a long shot after the official's reflex decision to send off Jens Lehmann rather than allowing a perfectly worked Barcelona goal - Eboué would have been collecting his second yellow card and Arsenal would have been down to nine men against the finest creative force in world club football.'

Counting Your Chickens Before They Hatch

http://www.thefirstpost.co.uk/index.php?menuID=2&subID=543

'At the Arsenal ground - where few were at work on Thursday - decorations stayed in boxes and three open-top buses (paid for by a sponsor) were sent back to the hire company. At Islington Town Hall, intended as the high point of the procession, a canopy and scaffolding were quickly deconstructed and railing boards removed, stewards sent home and catering cancelled for an intended civic reception for the players (after a balcony appearance with the Cup).'

'Hundreds of businesses could finally cast aside the six-page letter of parade schedule posted to them by the council's Chief Executive, who had not mentioned in it that no London club has won the European Championship, ever.'

Arrogant Bastards with ideas well above their station I say!

http://football.guardian.co.uk/Columnists/Column/0,,1778578,00.html
'the neutral supporter will also be prepared to argue, should Arsenal persist in complaining, that not only did Eboué take a dive but Samuel Eto'o was not offside when he took the flick from Henrik Larsson to equalise.'

http://football.guardian.co.uk/rumourmill/index/0,,1777628,00.html
As none of this morning's rumours involve Champions League runners-up Arsenal, the Mill won't have the chance to laugh at the teary-eyed supporters meandering through London's airports this morning, their deflated hearts and inflated guts still wrapped in Highbury redcurrant. It won't even have the chance to scoff at Arsenal's suggestions that they were robbed by a referee who chalked off a perfectly good Barcelona goal and then awarded them a free-kick for Emmanuel Eboué's bruising encounter with fresh air. And it certainly won't get the chance to suggest that Will-He-Won't-Henry should look at his own performance before getting all Mourinho about the officials.

Champions League Final

ARSENAL F.C.
END OF SEASON DINNER DANCE

Starter
Egg on Face
Seasoned Hash
Frogs legs (past their best)
Spanish Surprise (well beaten)


Main course
Humble Pie
Chump Chops
French (has) Beans
Manager's Beef (not rare)
Catch of the Day - big lemon Sol (gutted)
NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.


Dessert
Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)
Fruitless Tarts
Raspberry Fools
Hard Cheese


Drinks
Bitter
Little Spirit
French Whine
Cabernet Empty 2006
Champagne - sorry none ordered
STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.


Guest speaker:
Sir Alex Ferguson - "What it's like to win the European Cup"

Please note that the club’s European Tour for the season 2006-07 is not guaranteed.

Puerile sense of humour

Once I was reading some work circular that said the amount of food used per year in the canteen weighs the same as Big Ben's bell. I started laughing uncontrollably and even had to phone a friend to share the amusement with him. As a token of his appreciation he sent me the above photo.

So I was extremely pleased to discover the rude places website which has provided me with plenty of cheap laughs. My favourites are 'Wankers Corner' 'Little Dix Village' 'Gayville' and 'Brown Willy'

Brings a Tear to the Eye

What is a Blade my housemate asked?
Is it a hero from days that are past?
No, I replied, a Blade’s what I am
A football supporter, a true die hard fan.
The team is United, the ground Bramall Lane
The original United, no-one else has that claim.
1889 is the year that the Blades were born,
A new era in football, a new professional dawn.
We won the league title in a bygone day
Four FA cups, the lads could certainly play.
Since then years of heart ache and disastrous feats,
Of just missed promotions and semi-final defeats.
But whatever happens, regardless of the score,
We’ll always support them, always hungry for more.
So don’t expect trophies, promotions or wins,
Just a pint in the Sportsman before the game begins.
Then down to the Lane and a pie at half time
Our hopes raised then dashed, it‘s really a crime.
But you’ll always come back to the beautiful Lane,
Hoping deep down that we’ll triumph again.
If you believe in your heart that your faith will not fade,
Then from now and forever dear, you’ll be a Blade.

Author Unknown (I remember thinking Arthur Unknown was a very clever man in primary school as he wrote over half the hymns in the hymn book).

Highly Amusing

London Life

Compulsory reading for Brazilians whose opinions on England and the English in general are drawn solely from London. There is some quality London and Londoner slating going on in this forum.

http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/travelog/2006/03/london_isnt_calling.html

Match Report Courtesy of Peanut

Grudge Match the Langdale Road house from Academic year 1998-1999 vs the Exiles who humiliated the Langdalers in late 1999 in a Liverpool park, Darren Tan and yours truly losing count of how many we scored.

Match Report Courtesy of never ending student (currently journalism) Ben Mcpartland aka Peanut Head

Final Score Langdale 20 Exiles 19

Players Ratings

EXILES
Potts 7/10 Tireless amounts of hard graft put in. He did all his own work plus that of Bez and Tan. Started bleeding internally when he got near our goal though. His slow conversion from rugby to football is a long process but one that is steadily reaping benefits.

Bez 5/10> He's fleshed out since the days when he was just a pair of shoulders. Tied by a chain to our goal, just long enough for him to skirt around the edge, picking up lost balls. Made to look good with a couple of goals by McPartland, but neverthe less he took them well.

Hanson 5/10> Let his team down badly. The award for the most deterioted player since
Carnatic Green goes to Hanson, just pipping McPartland. Where has all the aggression gone. Has he finally accepted that he won't make the England squad? Some glimpses of the old Al, but not enough to drag his team up to the level of Langdale.

Tan 4/10 Couldn't get a score of more than 5 anyway as he missed half the game. Spent more time laid prone on the floor after slipping over and then claiming injury. Did he wax his grips before the game? Lost a yard of pace since university and since he only had a yard and half of pace to begin with, you could tell.

O'Connor 6/10 Ran round like a ball of flammable testosterone gas. Combining petchulant kicks and shoulder barges with some neat passes. Still runs with the ball and turns like he has a cactus up his bottom.

LANGDALERS
McPartland 4/10 The pressure of organising the game and gettin the players there on time took its toll on him. Passes went astray, tackles were missed, but still showed he has the passion for a fight with needled exchanges with O'Connor.Played his part in many langdale goals by staying well out of the way.

Jackson 7/10 He was as hooked on the white line of the opposition box as much as he was all those years ago. This reformed drug addict played some neat stuff and scored the winning goal. Runs like a stick insect on hot coals.

Clinton 6/10 Hard to decipher Clinton's performance. Some good stuff, some ridiculous stuff. Greedier with the ball than he makes out to be. Helped slow the game down when he kicked the ball on to the motorway.

O'Malley 6/10 Some games are played over two legs, with John that's impossible. His Left leg still possesses vast array of skills, as long as it is wound up sufficiently before the game starts, and just before whenever O' Malley gets the ball. Right leg however, not even good enough for standing on. Middle Leg? Offers support to his left leg when his right leg goes missing.

LYALL 8/10Most improved player since University, infact along with Pottsy Lyall was the only other player to actually improve at all over time. Lyall, another convert from egg chasing to football was everywhere, breaking up attacks and starting his own. If only Krowt, Jim's old friend and competitor was there to see it. Jim's turn around from University was> capped with the presence of an Aussie beauty hanging off his arm. Gemma and the chocolate box, just about forgotten about.
Man ofthe match: Lyall, Well done lad

Scraping the Barrel

Can't think of anything to write these days so i'll plaguerise Viz Top Tips, a lot of people might have already seen these though they are always good for a laugh, my favourites are in bold!

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f-ing thing in the first place, you fat b*st*rds.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get p1ssed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' c0nd0ms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create thee ffect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p1ssing in the sink.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a Haulpak or similar outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the Haulpak unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

House/Housemate Hunting

A guide to houseshare renting/letting

I have a room to rent (400/mth in Morden all bills included if your interested) It is a pain in the arse doing this, it demands a lot of attention as I don't want to share a house with someone like 'the Bomb' again. I do find room wanted or room to let adverts quite amusing and written in a certain code. I believe I have now cracked this code.

Housemates that like their privacy

-Translation Stay away! Miserable unfriendly bastards, possibly compulsive masterbators as well!
Conclusion - Certainly not like that in my house!! where I used to be welcomed every day in my room by Leo playing playstation and William sat on the computer, discovering amusing new websites.

Prefer to live with females

Translation- Will take offence to my persistent habit of weeing with the bathroom door wide open, and the male necessity to rearrange themselves in the crotch area. Might not like football watching, playstation playing or the fact that we get (free) Fantasy channel, Adult channel and Playboy channel transmitted into the living room
Conclusion - Steer well clear! to much old school Latino machismo in my house

Cool Aussie House/flatmate/chick/guy

Translation - All Australians THINK they were born cool, why? I don't know! bit like Scousers that all think they were born comedy geniuses or Geordies that think everyone loves them. 'Cool' probably means that they dress for shit rain or shine, talk with irritating intonation? that sounds? like they are continually?? asking a question? On a Sunday after playing some strange gay sports in the park go binge drink snakebite, whilst listening to crap Dawson Rock, and bringing joy to some desperate English ming a ding ding who think they've copped off with a 'cool' Aussie.
Conclusion - One man's cool is another man's freedom fighter/terrorist or something like that

Friendly House

Translation - They have no friends other than their housemates, good if you also have no friends!
Conclusion - I like to think I have friends or at least some people who tolerate me to a certain extent.

Professional household/housemate

Translation - this is a very frequent specification! though what is a professional?? I presume it suggests a) you have been to university b) you have a profession c) you think you are a bit good d) you don't want anyone uneducated and common in your house.

Conclusion
As far as i'm concerned you are not a professional if; a) you work for free in the charity/creative arts/media sector, don't care how challenging your job is you earn bus fare and dinner money, enough said. b) you work for a prestigious big name firm yet all you do is photocopy and hand out the post c) Selling advertising space does not make you a media or advertising professional, it makes you a telesales employee, don't care how much you earn, its a few rungs up the food chain from that half-wit that phones me up saying 'Mr OwCona wuld ya lowke som nu windas'.

Open Minded House/Housemate

Translation - The prospective housemate or some people in the house are a little unsure about their sexuality
Conclusion - Hopefully it is the girl/s.........and they are good looking!

Laid-Back

Translation - Lazy!! will not clean house or wash dishes
Conclusion - Tolerable as we have dishwasher and cleaning lady!
>

Bond Villains and the Eighties Men

After a recent skiing trip in Wengen, Switzerland I observed the following;

1) Middle Aged and older Northern Europeans (Swiss, German, Dutch, Belgian) look and sound remarkably like the villain's from James Bond films. So much so that I was concerned that there might be some conference going on to hatch some future evil plans. Unfortunately I did not have access to a 007 DvD collection to give me some ideas how to put a stop to their dastardly mega-lo-maniac plans. Even more unfortunate was that there was a distinct lack of Bond Girl equivalents around the place.

2) The offspring of these Bond Villains look remarkably like rich-kid Americans from 1980s films, like the rich kid Miles from The Goonies whose dad is going to buy Goon island and gets terrorised by the subterranean Goonies whilst he is sat on the throne at the country club, the 'preppy' guy from Animal House whose bird spanks his monkey with rubber gloves on, or even Johnny from the Karate Kid.

3) Not everyone uses 'please', 'thank you', 'sorry' and 'excuse me' as much as the British. Indeed it seems that in some countries when you bump into someone the custom is to then look them up and down, perhaps this is one of the reasons behind Euro-scepticism in contemporary British society.

4) If you are due on your bus at 12.15 and arrive at 12.12 in Britain you are early! In Switzerland the silly cheese-munching, money laundering, yodelling, mountain dwelling moustached bus driver points at his watch and curses you in German..........Bell End.

What is wrong with Sex and the City

Sex and the City is wrong! I will concede that it is mildly amusing however it is not the actual television show per se that I have a grievance with. What really rattles my cage is the following it has, the histerical almost biblical devotion that members of the opposite sex worldwide have for it whether in Germany, Brazil or Scunthorpe.

The S&C fan base, whom I presume to be 90 per cent of all females often say 'It is so true to life' or 'it is so our reality'..........How is this so? none of the people I hear saying this have ever been to New York, and usually they are a good 10 years younger than those four over the hill slappers that make up the show.

It is FICTION, none of the four ever seem to do any work yet lead lives of luxury and money never seems to be an issue as they prance around in their Prada and Gucci bollocks, so 'true to life' my arse.

I think S&C is detrimental to Gender Relations indeed it pours fuel on the flames of the ancient battle of the sexes, primarily because the four smart ar*se characters represent poor role models. The Old Testament states 'though shalt not worship false idols'.
Here is a countdown of the four in reverse order of shitheadedness;


4) At number four we have Charlotte, Admittedly this is the best looking of the four, yet at the same time the geekiest. Can't really find much to complain about her as such she comes in last place in the annoyingness countdown. So much for S&C inspiring an independent emancipated woman, meek Charlotte gets married a virgin to Mr floppy cock..............nice one Charlie not much sex in the city with that choice of bloke.
Conclusion: Boring Geek (best looking of the four though)

3) Samantha is at it every week with some bloke usually about 20 years younger than her, perhaps she should grow old a bit more gracefully. Her presence is actually quite welcome in the show as it guarantees a little bit of smut on every episode. Samantha is hardly a good role model, her equivalent in the real world lets say in the context of Rotherham, South Yorkshire would be the old slapper up the road who the adolescent lads go visit once they are bored of kicking the football. I can imagine Carry's commentary; (though it would be Cazza her colleague from the pie factory) 'Meanwhile across town Sam was getting triple headered for the first time (this week) by Lee, Reece and Darren who were reinacting scenes they saw when they raided Darren's dad's porn stash that previous night'
Conclusion: Old Slapper


2) Carrie, I Can't find anything in particular to demonise her for apart from the fact that she is obviously a gold digger. The final episode actually finished with her settling down with her on off boyfriend, Big (as in wallet not willy). In the words of Mrs Merton 'what originally attracted you to your MILLIONAIRE boyfriend?'. This was after a stint with a Russian millionaire in Paris where little miss sophisticated couldn't fit in, not very wordly are we Cazza!!. She comes in at number two as it is her annoying narration that goes on throughout each episode as she writes stupid irrelevant bollocks in her laptop that has distorted the expectations and rationality of women worldwide.
Conclusion: Goldigging shit stirrer

Number one Shithead from S&C is Miranda.
Miranda is admired by some for her sharp cutting wit. Personally I think she is an obnoxious minger. I imagine she is the type that gets chatted up given the way that certain silly boys think that they will take the easy option i.e. 'she isn't anything special she will be greatful for my attention'. However Miranda is the type that takes more joy from putting people than getting some. Any poor lad who thought he would take the easy option with minger Miranda is in for a shock, sarchasm and rejection would be the order of the day. You should have gone for Samantha mate, Miranda hardly even put out during her honeymoon as I remember. Conslusion: Obnoxious Minger

Disclaimer: I rarely if ever watch Sex and the City though its pretty hard not to pick up a few odds and ends when its been on the telly non stop for the last 5 years, and i've been made to sit through it (and not talk) by former lady friends.

Romário de Souza Faria's Birthday

When I lived in Brazil I used to think Romario was a bit of a tool. Outspoken and arrogant with a god complex, I even used to believe myself that he wasted his talent. Recently I have had to reconsider, o Baixinho or the little'un turns 40 on the 29th of this month. Romario finisehd as top scorer In the Brazilian 2005 season for his mid-table club side Vasco de Gama. To think British football pundits cum in their pants from the odd goal by the 39 year old Teddy Sheringham in his cameo appearances for West Ham this season. Arguing that the Brazilian league is easier than European leagues is misguided, it certainly isn't Scotland! this is the league where the next crop of Ronaldinhos, Adrianos, and Robinhos are making a name for themselves in what is a very demanding, competitive and intense season before moving on to tear European defences to pieces.

So how could I think Romário was a wasted talent? perhaps it was as he never trained properly and when he did it was done seperately from his teamates, he could (can?) regularly be found in nightclub carparks with a young lady 'smoking his pipe' in the earlier hours of the morning before important games. I recognised he was as a footballing genius, but wondered how good he could have been had he tried a bit harder. I must have overlooked the fact that he is a World Cup winner, has won the golden boot and domestic title in every country he has played in with the exception of a brief mercenary stint in Qatar.

Happy 40th Birthday Romario! Training on your own and late night filth sessions in your Mercedes certainly haven't been detrimental to one incredible career. I'm sure Lee Sharpe and Stan Collymoore would have benefitted from your wisdom in balancing a night-life and womanising addiction with a professional football career.

Am I a 'Yindie'?

Having always had a lot of contempt for 'yuppies' and their lifestyles and pretensions, I was a little concerned when I was sent this link from the Independent by my youngest sibling, Captain 'IndieBoy' Beancod.

http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/article338075.ece

There is a new category of person in town the Yindie, 'half-yuppie, half-indie, moneyed urban hipsters aged 20-35 who listen to wry northern indie music on their iPod nanos, and who think Zadie Smith is the pinnacle of alternative fiction.' OK i've got a cheapo MP3 player that only holds 40 songs and i've never been arsed to read a Zadie Smith book though I'm still quite concerned that I may fall into this new category of irritating pretentious young urban smart arse. To confirm whether or not this is the case I did the questionnaire.

Thankfully I did not answer mostly 'B' there were as many Cs as Bs, however the mention of blogs and Googling yourself in the questionnaire means that perhaps I am a borderline case!

Writer's Block

I haven't written in the blog for a while, well its Christmas you see! a good blanket excuse for all your December shortcomings.

There must be certain people that dread Christmas, those who work in law enforcement, public transport, accident and emergency, quite simply because The Great British Public + Christmas = More people going out drinking even more than usual = chaos.

My blog absence is not due to Christmas, rather writers block, can't particularly think of anything to write about.

Looking at my last post about holiday harrasment it finally sunk in why I get undue attention from homos and prostitutes when on holiday in Brazil, and I know who is to blame. 10 per cent of my plane was filled with European fellas whose holiday motivations I suspect was the non-stop packing of local fudge. The other 10 per cent were groups of ugly middle aged men with their valuable European currency they had spent the year saving along with an accumulation of lust given that the girls in their own countries won't look twice at them, no doubt they embarked on a charge of the crap haircut dodgy moustache brigade straight to the nearest brothel upon arrival.

Given my writer's block it makes me respect journalists more given that it is there job to produce material on a daily basis for the public to read..........actually that is bollocks the run of the mill journalists in the UK particularly those that write in tabloids are scum.

I realised this the other day when I was watching the secret life of Colleen on Channel 5, following around the publicity hungry fiancé of Europe's best footballer, Wayne Rooney. There was one columnist from the Daily Mirror who was responsible for the most vitriolic attacks on the future Mrs Rooney regarding her weight, clothes, choice of friends etc. Fair enough, Colleen seems to love the limelight and needs the journalists to boost her public profile, but when they were interviewing the journalist in question I saw this posh smart-ass trying to hide the fact she is approaching 50 with a Superdrug counter's worth of make up. I think it is sick that she goes out of her way to single out a (then) 17 year old from Liverpool who I suspect she is actually infinitely jealous of.

I'm not sticking up for attention hungry celebrities, to tell you the truth i'm sick of them, Big Brother contestants, failed Pop Idols, and washed up soap stars who are now famous for no other reason than actually being famous. What does this make the journalists who report on the celebrities' Kings Road shopping trips or drunken parties in Funky Buddha? merely parasites of a pathetic species, who as they can't be one of them take up a career writing about them.